Thursday, November 12, 2009

raw intentions

when you strip away all the layers.
everything that you hide behind.
everything that you try to be.

what is the very raw. you.?

self made belt

so little timeeee: why am i such a control freak!
I cannot let myself not finish a day's homework, I can't just walk out of a class, I can't just NOT worry about a test a week from now, I can't just skip a meal, I can't just spend a night watching tv, I can't just let myself eat after 8pm, I can't just LET it be.
i need control. control. control. control. structure. structure. structure.
and what i don't understand is why!
why am i so compelled to it.
what have i been bombarded with that my instinct is like this?
part of it i guess is media. if i don't do well in school, I won't get into a good university, can't get a good job, and end up on the streets?
lol; a little extreme but i guess that's everyone's fear.

but what is the truth?
if i don't get that 99% in school, does that make me any less of a person.
does that NUMBER define my future?
i refuse to believe it.

yet how can I relax and really understand at the back of my head that there's no need to worry and control because that little nagging feeling is always there! " emily you should do this now." "emily your wasting valuable time sitting here, walking there, being here, going there."

because if it is meant to be

there's no escaping "the plan"
some call it fate.
some call it destiny.

& it's the one thing I can't control so EMILY CHILAX!


1 comment:

Evelyn Mak said...

The first and third are very poignant and well done I love them so much esp the soft yellows in the first one are so summer and the third is so dramatic and powerful.

For me, it's a difference between self-control and crazy control... and whether or not what I am trying to control is beneficial or if it's just to fulfill my own (selfish) need. I find that just thinking about the whole scope of things helps me to relax and let go easier.